that moment, I didn’t care if I couldn’t find someone to love me outside of the mansion, because it was crystal clear no one on the inside loved me, either.
I needed to find someone to talk to, someone who could understand all the pressures I was under but wasn’t trapped in the same bubble as I was. Maybe I could get some advice and a fresh perspective. I eventually decided on one of Hef’s friends, since he knew Hef well and certainly understood the degree to which I was bound to the show.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I confided to him two days later. I sat down with my chosen confidant to discuss what had been going on in my private life. I was already in the midst of filming season five, but I felt like I couldn’t keep up the charade another minute.
Bridget had come in earlier and placed a box of Sprinkles cupcakes on the table. I cut myself a piece of one and passed the rest across the table.
“Just hang in there,” he said, unwrapping the rest of the cupcake. “He cares about you. He didn’t mean it.”
He paused for another moment, sensing this wasn’t giving me any comfort. Twisting up his face into a thoughtful expression, he said, “I’ll try to find out what’s bothering him.”
“It doesn’t matter if something’s wrong,” I said, trying to make sense of everything in my head. “This is just who he is and I am realizing it for the first time.” I sighed helplessly and put my head in my hands. My rope was rapidly fraying.
He then went on to remind me that Bridget and Kendra were leaving soon and that Girls Next Door would then be all about Hef, me, my work, and the girls that came through the studio. He honestly thought this would lift my spirits. I loved working on the show, but this wasn’t about the show . . . this was my life!
“Thanks for listening,” I said dismally.
Oh how I wish to talk to holly. She came into a world of abuse wanting to have a life.. I came into a world of abuse because my parents just weren’t supposed to be parents. How I turned out the way I did? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Cause people point it out all the time. How you turned out Cassie with your life story, with the abuse, with your parents, with everything else. It’s beyond us. But I’m or were glad you are the way you are. Not like your parents, but as the girl you are. Yourself ya know. Meh. Talk about a FU’d Twisted World.